A New Beginning

Saturday, 8 April 2017
Well, hello! Long time no speak. Or should I say, type?

Welcome to my new online home. Moving domains was something I had been thinking about for quite some time, but had always put off due to being extremely busy with real-life responsibilities - Plus I had an emotional and nostalgic attachment to my previous domain and wasn't quite ready to let it go.

However, I feel I am now at the stage where I can say goodbye to the childhood era of my online presence and say hello to the adult one. I had my previous domain from the year 2010 and was 17 years young when I purchased it. I am 29 now, to be 30 next January. (Boo-hiss!) So as you can imagine, I have matured (hah!) and progressed both emotionally and mentally in the past 12 years, and my previous thoughts and feelings weren't exactly going to fit perfectly or hold their own against my opinions of today.

I also felt my previous domain name, due to it's quirky and cute nature, had already stereotyped me into the type of blogger I was expected to be. A lot of the time when I wanted to discuss more serious topics or delve right down into the nitty-gritty, a part of me felt obligated to hold back or reign in my honest feelings towards the subjects simply because I felt I constantly had to live up to the domain's sunny, cheerful disposition. Which is why so many attempts at 'reinventing' my blog failed. I felt at a loss as to who I was or which direction I was going. Because everytime I attempted to take a new route, my conscience would swerve me right back onto the previous (vanilla!) lane.

Which is why I decided I had to let that domain go, as much as it meant to me. Or at least, to host my blog elsewhere. My blogging has suffered tremendously over the past few years due to the above reasons, and to be honest I just needed a clean slate. My previous blog was much too cluttered and quite frankly, over-whelming for both myself and the visitor. ("Less is more", "simplicity is key" and all that jazz!)

I need a place where I can pour every inch of myself out to when needed; a place where I can get off my chest what's troubling me, uncensored and free. Because over the past few years I have come to realize that bottling up things inside due to the fear of being judged or deemed 'less than perfect' - basically, to keep doing what is 'expected' of me - is unhealthy. I need to be able to express myself freely without the fear that people may think I am this terrible, horrible person simply because certain things are making me feel certain ways, both good and bad. I can't keep up an act anymore. It's tiring and emotionally draining, both online and offline.

It's no secret I have suffered with my mental health from the age of 12. It's also no secret that sometimes certain stresses or traumas that I encounter in life cause me to relapse; which is something I am currently working through at the moment. My whole life is one big question mark and I have found myself doubting every single of aspect of it. It has been affecting me emotionally, mentally and physically. There are some days I just want to sleep for days; To hide under the security of my duvet burrito fort, to dream and adventure through countless alternative universes and eventually wake up in a time and place where everything is right and finally makes sense - To a world that doesn't seem so confusing and cruel.

It's also a debate of 'Katie' versus 'Kate'. (Ooh, that rhymed!) My full name is Katie but I always referred to myself as 'Kate' online, as I ~personally~ thought it sounded much cooler and more 'me'. I felt 'Katie' was too girly and pretty, and I was far from either. I was a tomboy who loved playing video games. Flash forward to the year 2017: I still AM a tomboy who loves playing video games, but have to come to accept I am a Katie and I should be proud of that. It's a name my parents lovingly chose; a name my brothers say with pride and my boyfriend with adoration. Certain family members or people in my close circles still sometimes call me 'Kate', as old habits die hard and it also depends what mood they are in - mostly with me! But I have learnt it's ok to have a name that means 'pure' while still being a little bad-ass. Oxymorons and all that.

The reason I haven't directly mentioned my previous doman name is because I am somewhat distancing myself from that 'character' I once was, and also because I am not quite sure as of yet how I will be sharing this new domain with the world. Don't get me wrong, I still love that old domain and the cute nickname I received with it. (People still use it to this day when referring to me - even my boyfriend does sometimes - and I am fine with that!) The beginning of that era was a very enjoyable and happy time of my life and I hold some fond memories surrounding it. It's not so much as being 'ashamed' of my past, but more so needing the room for personal growth and giving myself the platform to do so with no previous 'baggage' attached.

...And also because from time to time I may need to swear like a sailor when more expressive and eloquent words fail me!

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